Evening thoughts

Ganduri de seara

Cum pot sa opresc gandurile atunci cand simt ca acestea imi ia toata energia? Cum pot sa ma opresc din gandit, din probleme imaginare pe care singura mi le creez. Cum sa ma trezesc odihnita daca eu ma trezesc gandind?

Cred ca toti suntem prieteni sau am avut prietenii cel putin o data cu ” Dar daca” si ” Poate”. Acesti doi prieteni care uneori stau in mintea ta creandu-si tot felul de situatii imaginare cu tine in rol principal de sclav , sclav al gandurilor tale, fiind incapabil de a fi prezent in viata ta. Iar apoi te uiti la trecut si te gandesti ” Dar daca” eram si eu prezent. Cumva suntem prinsi in acest trecut sau viitor, fiind captivii propriului gand din care infloreste pe secunda alt gand si tot asa. Iar noi in tot acest timp cautam bucuria, fericirea dar de fapt doar ne gandim la ea sau despre ea in timp ce se afla chiar in fata noastra, in momentul prezent.

Astazi am avut parte de o conversatie interesanta despre acest subiect la o sedinta de yoga unde am descoperit meditatia prin observare care are ca principiu’ observarea gandurilor si apoi observarea privitorului. Am aflat mai demult cat de multa putere are imaginatia asupra noastra asa ca de fiecare data eu imi imaginez un copil care se uita la televizor. Imi imaginez cum imi observ efectiv gandurile la televizor si apoi transpun aceasta imagine in o imagine cu un copil care se uita la televizor in care se afla un copil care se uita la televizor si tot asa, indepartandu-ma cat mai mult de prima imagine. Ideea este sa te disociezi/detasezi de gandurile tale care nu iti dau liniste, mai exact de cele negative. Cu cat ma indepartez mai mult de ganduri prin povestea mea cu copilul si TV-ul cu atat simt cum se indeparteaza ele de mine si reusesc sa le observ dintr-un alt unghi. Imi dau seama ca eu nu sunt una cu gandurile mele, exact asta simt, ca si cand as observa gandurile altcuiva. Cumva ne identificam cu povestile /scenariile imaginare create de gandurile negative, dar prin meditatia aceasta poti reusi sa te detasezi, sa le iei ca atare. Sunt doar niste ganduri pe care le privesc la tv ( cu ghilimele de rigoare). O alta metoda pe care am mai incercat-o este scrisul. Scrii ce ganduri ai si astfel eliberezi spatiul ocupat, energia pe care o consumi gandind iti este redata o data ce le scoti afara ( pe hartie). Multi dintre noi incercam din rasputeri sa fim cat mai ocupati, sa avem cat mai multe de facut doar ca sa evitam acel moment in care creierul incepe sa vorbeasca si astfel uitam chiar sa respiram corespunzator, fiind mai totimpul pe fuga, respiratia devine una superficiala si uite asa ne trezim intr-o zi cu vreun atac de panica sau chiar o boala fara sa ne dam seama de unde a venit sau ce e cu el, pt ca noi credeam ca suntem ” bine”.

Eu mi-am luat o pauza de cateva luni in care am zis ca nu vreau sa fac nimic decat sa ma relaxez, crezand ca relaxarea e ceva usor ce vine de la sine. Reusisem dupa un an, doi sa ma relaxez, sa am cateva momente pe zi care le dedicam relaxarii insa niciodata nu am stat un timp mai indelungat. Simteam ca ma plictisesc si imi gaseam ceva de facut, insa ” plictisitul” asta cred ca este mai mult o fuga. Am aflat ca nu e atat de usor sa nu faci nimic mai mult timp, da stiu suna aiurea dar este adevarat. Cum sa ma relaxez daca mintea mea vorbea incontinuu?! La inceput am opus rezistenta, vroiam sa taca, nu stiam ce sa mai fac, nici cu scrisu’ nu mai mergea la un moment dat, obosisem de la atata gandit. Si intr-o zi am zis bun, gata acum te ascult! Sunt pregatita sa te ascult, dupa atatia ani in care am vrut sa taci, acum sunt aici, acum te ascult, te accept! La un moment dat te si gandesti ” Doamne, am inebunit, vorbesc singura!” , acum imi vine sa rad cand imi aduc aminte. Dar nu vorbesti singura/singur, vorbesti cu tine insuti, inveti sa comunici cu tine insuti, sa te asculti pe tine insuti. Este ca si cand ai umple un balon cu apa pana la refuz si te hotarasti intr-o zi sa dai drumu la apa si curge si curge. Lasa sa curga! Invata sa faci asta cu tine in primul rand daca vrei sa inveti sa comunici si cu alti, daca vrei sa inveti sa ii asculti si pe alti. Eu am lasat sa curga, nu m-am mai impotrivit chiar daca de unele ganduri imi era frica. Si cumva cred ca atunci cand avem nevoie Universul ne ajuta, si pentru mine a facut in asa fel incat am ajuns la sedintele astea de yoga si am invat si despre mediatia asta prin observare care ma ajuta mult in procesul acesta de curatare cum imi place mie sa ii zic.

Bine bine dar ce se intampla dupa ce mintea tace? E liniste! E o liniste si un spatiu infinit! Pentru mine s-a simtit ca si cum ai alerga pe o campie verde intinsa si infinita. Am reusit dupa un timp indelungat sa ascult ce zice omul de langa mine, sa fiu prezenta, sa fiu atenta la ce este in jurul meu fara sa ma gandesc intr-un anumit fel la ce se intampla, fara sa etichetez/ sa judec/ sa bag intr-o categorie ceea ce vedeam sau auzeam.

Suntem in plin prezent, eu, tu si atat!

O seara frumoasa iti doresc, plina de liniste si iubire!

 

ENGLISH

Evening thoughts

How can I stop thinking when I feel that it’s taking all of my energy? How can I stop thinking about stuff that it’s not even real, problems that I create in my own mind. How can I wake up fresh and full of energy in the morning if as soon as I open my ever, my mind starts talking?

I believe we are all friends or at least we’ve been “ friends” with “ What if” and “ Maybe”. These two “ buddies” who sit there in your mind creating all kinds of situations with you in the leading role, slave of your own thoughts, being incapable of living in the present life. And then you look back thinking “ What if I would have been there instead of being somewhere else?” What I mean is that maybe you are there, physically yes but mentally not. Somehow we are caught up in this past or future, being a prisoner of our thoughts, creating unreal situations from which other situations are born. The thing is that in all this time that we spend thinking, worrying, we look for happiness, for those little joyful moments but what we actually do is thinking about them. We are thinking how to be happy when happiness is actually in front of us, in the present moment, here and now!

Today I had a great conversation about this topic during a yoga class where I learned about “ observing the mind” meditation. In this meditation all you need to do is observe the mind, observe your thoughts. A while ago I learned how much power our imagination can have on our mind so I used it this time too. Every time I practice this meditation I imagine a child watching TV. I imagine how all of my thoughts are showed on the screen, I just put them all in there and after that I transpose this entire picture into another one where there is a child looking at the TV. I want to make sure that you are getting this so I will try to explain my best in here. It’s like the matryoshka dolls, I outdistance myself step by step from the first picture I imagined. The thing about this meditation is to separate/detach yourself of all your thoughts so you can see them from a different more objective point of view. Practicing this meditation has helped me to understand that I am not my thoughts, this is exactly how I feel, I feel as if my thoughts were someone’s else thoughts. Somehow we identify ourselves with the scenarios/ stories created by the mind, but through this meditation you can detach yourself enough to realize that they are just thoughts, nothing else. Another way I discovered to stop this loud mind is writing. Write whatever you are thinking about and this way you can empty that space where thoughts live. Once you write them you will see how you will feel, the energy that “ thinking” takes from you will come back once you let them out ( on paper). The majority of us try to keep ourselves busy all the time. I bet you know at least one person that it’s like this; always on the move, always busy, saying they don’t have time for anything, without being able to stand still for a second. I used to be like that, trying to do something all the time, avoiding that moment, being afraid of that moment, being afraid to listen to myself. Maybe because of all those years I didn’t listen to it once I found the courage to listen, it kept talking so much to me haha. I know I sound crazy, but guess what? we all are!!

Keeping yourself busy will eventually affect the way you breath too and when the body is not getting the oxygen it needs a lot of imbalances occur. Your breath will become so superficial that one day you may wake up with a panic attack or even a disease and you will ask yourself “ Where do I have this from”, “ Why is this happening to me?” Well, thats why!

After I graduated from Med school I decided to take a break. I wanted to relax, thinking that “ relax” is something that comes easily. I knew what “ relaxed” means, I managed to give one to two hours only for this but I have never spent more time on this. I felt that I am getting bored at first, tried to find something to do, but I think this “ boredom” thing is more of a “ running from something”. I discovered how hard is to not do anything, I know sounds crazy but true! How can I relax if my mind was constantly talking? At first I struggled, I wanted to make this voice disappear, I didn’t know what to do, not even writing helped anymore, I was getting so tired of thinking. Until one day I said “ Enough! Ok I will listen to you now! I will not be scared, I will listen to you! I am here! I accept you!” At some point I thought “ Oh God, I am going crazy! I am really going crazy this time! I am talking to myself!”. But no, you are not crazy, you are healthy! You are just listening to the voice inside your head. Maybe before this was being looked at as crazy but not now, not anymore! You are learning to communicate to yourself, you are learning to be patient with yourself. All of this, patience, communication, love, happiness needs to be learned with yourself in order to do it/feel it with someone else. Your mind it’s like this big balloon which has been filled with water and then one day you decide you want to let the water out. Lots of water will come out! Let it all come out. Learn how to listen to yourself first if you want to learn how to listen to others. I let it out, I let it all out, even the thoughts I was scared of the most. And I will tell you something, somehow when we are in a need, The Universe or God or Allah or whoever you want or believe in, will help you! Just like it helped me finding this yoga class, finding this meditation which is been helping me a lot in my “ cleaning process” how I like to call it.

OK ok but what happens when the mind gets quiet? Miracles happen. A big infinite space happens. For me it felt like I was running on a big green infinite flatland. I managed after a long time to listen to what other people are saying without that need of responding to everything they say. I am finally more aware, more present in my life, more aware of everything around me, nature, people, situations. And whenever I don’t listen to myself, whenever I go against my needs, my mind starts talking again and I lose my balance. It happens, I am not perfect, you are not perfect, no one is! We are all here to learn day by day all the great things about what we call LIFE.

 

We are here and now, you and me!

I wish you a peaceful evening full of love and joy!

R.

 

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